{PERSONAL JOURNEY DAY 5} That little girl inside is still afraid.
This past Thanksgiving, I told my husband's aunt and uncle a little more about my upbringing and how challenging it was.
Just now, while meditating, I realized that unless I truly let in that love that's all around us, I don't think that I'll feel the kind of abundance I'm craving... or achieve the dreams my soul is meant to experience, many of which I feel I don't even know yet.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in her book, Women Who Run With Wolves, talks at the very beginning about the misplaced zygote... how, for many wild women, we were zygotes in a basket, being brought to our ideal families, but we were bouncing so excitedly within our carrier, that we plopped right out and fell into a mismatched family instead.
That this, this heartbreak from the people who are meant to love you the most, begins your path to veering for the unconventional, the other, the seeking of what is your birthright down to the core of Mother Nature.
When I heard this story, I immediately felt connected.
I knew I was a wild woman from the moment I was conceived.
And yet, I was placed into a family that did not understand that, that feared it, that did not respect it, and so I became the black sheep that was completely unloved by anyone except for my grandmother.
This woman all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins — even my own parents — told me hated me, too.
My heartbreak for not having the family I wanted runs deep. And, it is just beneath the surface all the time, as I am bittersweetly reminded of this in parenting my own daughter.
What I want to give her versus what I got growing up.
When I met my husband, he saw me like no one else had ever done before. Only recently did I meet another colleague who could see past the defense mechanisms that I have set, because he understands from a core level based on his own experience.
I know that in order to receive the love of the Universe, this abundance, this greatness, I must remember that I am whole. I am healed and healing. I am worthy of it all.
**
Do you know how the book, Women Who Run With Wolves, this grand tome that so many powerful women espouse, came into my hands?
It was right before I met my husband on Kauai. There was another man who met me at a bbq and wanted to take me out — his name also started with a "J." He also had longish curly hair. He also cared about eating organic.
He asked me to meet him at Secrets Beach for a quick hike. This series of beaches is one of the most beautiful on all of Kauai with its peachy sand and the ability to be naked far off into the ends, fresh water running down the cliff sides.
We walked over rocks and tree roots and sand, passing by one man. Then, another woman sunning on a towel. Just those two in the entire hour or so that we were strolling.
On the way back, there was no one. And yet, as we kept making our way back to the beginning, there was a noticeable black object prominently placed on a rock, to our left.
We walked up to it.
Seated on this rock was the Estes' book, Women Who Run With Wolves.
We looked up ahead. We looked behind us. We looked all around and there was no one to be seen. Not the people we initially passed and not anyone else coming or going.
"I think that's for you," he said.
I nodded, thinking, 'Of course it is. Thank you, Mama Kauai.'
There are many stories like this, stories of people losing even their glasses in the sand or the sea and suddenly, propped right there, is the very thing they need.
This book has come with us on all of our adventures since it came into my hands on Kauai. It's not an easy-breezy read, so I haven't quite gone through all of it, and in fact, am still at the beginning, but there is not one woman I admire who doesn't know of its existence.
**
One of Abraham Hicks' suggested exercises is to place $100 in your pocket. You walk around all day thinking, 'I could buy that, I could buy that, and I could buy that,' so that you feel you are perpetually coming from a place of abundance.
You don't spend it. You simply change your thoughts around it.
Tonight, we sold an Apple Airport that we never used and lugged with us throughout our cross-country travels.
I placed the cash on my husband's desk and mentioned it to him, while he was bathing our daughter.
"Didn't you say that you needed $100 for something?" he asked.
"Oh!" I exclaimed. "That's right, I did want it!" and I placed the money beside our bed, so that I could see it going to bed, could see it waking up, and will bring it with me throughout my days to shift my mindset around all that I can have.
That little girl within me, she still hurts from the scarcity. If I can mother my daughter, perhaps I can learn how to mother myself just the same...
