Why would you say "no" to everything you've ever wanted?
The Refinery, ATX
A couple of months ago, I was invited to be a guest on a podcast, based here in Austin.
Several days later, the host called me.
"Hi, uh, Judy?" he asked, awkwardly.
"Yeah?" I responded.
"I'm uh, I'm Steve. I interviewed you on my podcast a couple of days ago?"
"Oh, okay, hi?"
"I just, I feel like there was so much more that we could've talked about during our interview, and I wanted to see if you'd be interested in meeting up for coffee."
Now, Steve knew I was married, but I had the sense that he didn't really know what to say, because in a way, he was asking to get to know me better without having any other natural context to do so.
Still, I 'got' him, because I was actually on the same page as he was — he was the first person since my husband to ask me questions and really SEE ME as I truly am.
Usually, as the interviewer, I'm the one with the good questions who sometimes puts my guests on the spot.
When Steve interviewed me, there was actually a moment where I had to truly think about my answer, because it wasn't a tried-and-true cut-and-dry kind of question.
Steve and I eventually did meet up and he asked over coffee how he could help support me.
"You need a business manager. I can do that for you."
He did not want anything in return.
Instead, he saw that my strengths, my 'zone of genius', lie in the type of work I do, but I was getting inundated by contracts and invoices that were taking me away from my gifts.
He saw Light in me and showed up as part of my human Divine Guidance Team, because he wanted to do what he could to help me shine.
I hesitated, then over the course of the next few weeks, backed away.
Eventually, he reached out to me again.
"I get the sense that we left things off in a weird way before. I'm not trying to take anything from you," he reassured me via text. "I truly just want to help you, because I see this huge potential inside you."
I played it off like nothing was wrong — but everything was wrong.
**
When I was living on Kauai, I was introduced to a book called, The Chronology of Water, by Lydia Yuknavitch.
It was the first book I had read in over a decade that truly hit my heart, where at one point, I came across a passage in her book and intuitively felt like I needed to go sit on the edge of my tub.
I felt the cold porcelain against my thighs and suddenly began bawling.
Hard, gasping, coughing tears.
Lydia had been sexually abused as a child. As she grew older, she started partying hard. Yet, she also became an athlete, a swimmer, and rose in the ranks to even become an Olympic qualifier.
Eventually, it also became clear that she was an incredibly talented writer.
After many years, a large publishing house flew her out to New York to meet with them. They wanted to sign her on. They were basically saying "YES! WE WANT YOU!" and "HERE'S YOUR DREAM COME TRUE!"
She had lunch with them. Listened to them.
Then flew back to her home and crawled into her hole and did not sign the contract.
She couldn't.
Everything she ever wanted was right there in that moment.
Yet what it brought up for her was the total confrontation with her feeling of absolute unworthiness that she had experienced all her life... and it became too much to bear.
Her whole life trauma came to a head.
She could not move forward. No matter how much she desperately wanted this.
This moment in the book is what brought me to cry that ugly cry in the bathroom of my sweet apartment in the mountains of Kauai.
I knew EXACTLY what she felt. I had NEVER heard anyone express it the way she did and usually, I am the one with all the right words, yet I had none for what she shared so beautifully.
This is what I felt when Steve offered his help to me. Of course, eventually, he was frank that he'd want to be fairly compensated for his work, but he doesn't expect that until much further in the future. In all honesty, all he has wanted to do since I met him is help me achieve the things I have always wanted.
Here I was, presented with an opportunity for more ease and flow.
Here I was, being offered real help.
Here I was, where someone was asking how they could serve ME instead of the other way around.
And, what did I do the first time it was offered?
I fled.
Like mad.
This is what happens when you aren't yet ready to step into your Light.
Into your purpose.
Into the gifts that the Universe has bestowed upon you.
This is what happens when you are presented with the very thing you have always wanted, yet the goodness of such an opportunity reminds you of all the badness you felt before, so that in this moment, you have no idea which direction would actually feel better to move into... forward or back.
Instead, you default into the patterns you used to know.
Thankfully, Steve gave me time.
He gave me space.
And, when he reached out to me again this week, asking to meet up with me about SXSW, I said 'okay.'
I was tempted to text him and tell him I was busy, but I wasn't. Really.
I was just scared.
When he came by this afternoon, we had the best conversation. He ended up helping to refine my direction even more, so that I suddenly realized where my missteps have been and saw how I've still been playing small.
Now, I'm ready to say, "YES!" and move forward with him as my business manager.
The Universe will continue to provide you with similar opportunities in an upward spiral until you get the lesson you're meant to get.
For me, it was the fact that there are people who love me and simply want to help with a genuine heart. They want to see me succeed unapologetically. They want to take the hard things from me, so that I can experience ease and power.
What is it for you?
What is that moment when you will be faced with everything you've ever wanted?
Will you turn around and go back?
Or, will you move forward?
I'd love to know. Comment below.
