“The Heartbeat: How to say goodbye.”
“You know what you have to do, right?” my therapist asked me.
“Ugh,” I sighed to her. “You’re going to tell me I have to grieve.”
“Yep,” she said, matter-of-factly.
I’ll be completely transparent with you: My therapist told me that I needed to grieve the person I thought my ex-husband was going to be, and then I had to grieve the person he actually is. There are still moments that happen today where his requests cause me to get riled up by feelings of injustice.
F*ck grieving, I thought.
I didn’t want to do any of it. I wanted to be right, rather than at peace.
“Your anger is a protective mechanism,” my therapist offered. “It prevents you from feeling the feelings that will let the love in.”
Because love = vulnerability.
It’s taking risks. It’s letting yourself open to the chances of feeling deeply fulfilled while also knowing that this could all hurt deeply and go away.
Here’s the thing: I have an amazing partner now.
He’s kind, considerate, and loves me tremendously. We’ve been dating for over three years and around this time every year, I go through this phase where I start creating a buffer between us.
My default used to be worrying that the other shoe would drop. He has proven again and again that I can trust him. That he only wants me to be happy. That even when he doesn’t understand, he wants to understand and will try his best to show up.
“How can I help?” he asked me last night. “What can I do?”
My response was listing all the things I’m already doing to honor my mental health.
“Okay,” he said after a little while. “But you didn’t answer my question. What can I do? How can I help?”
And I was stumped. I didn’t have an answer for him. Until I grieve, I won’t know how to ask for what I need or what I want.
The old me would’ve chosen to never depend on anyone else. Yet, the new me sees that doing this means I always end up feeling lonely and resentful.
“Wouldn’t it be better for you to allow someone in,” my therapist asked, “and then when you feel disappointed, to know that there are people who love you to help soften the fall?”
To become the best version of yourself involves a love of goodbyes.
Even when the change is wonderful, beautiful, everything you ever wanted — it still entails grief.
It’s saying goodbye to the relationships that no longer fit, to the expectations that won’t get fulfilled, to the versions of you that you thought you might become.
But no one teaches you how to handle those goodbyes or that grief with self-compassion or grace…
Here are 4 steps to say "goodbye" with kindness towards yourself:
Get a journal that represents the person/relationship/thing you need to say “goodbye” to a.k.a. “grieve”
Set a timer for 10-15 minutes
Give yourself permission for stream-of-consciousness journaling — unfiltered and continuous writing
Once the timer goes off, get up and MOVE your body to release the energy
What — or who — do you need to say goodbye to as you move in your upward-spiraling journey of life?
If you’re looking for more support on how to make these shifts that can ultimately transform your life, check out my free live 7-day challenge: Rewrite Your Reality.
With love,
Judy
P.S. If you know another womxn who’d like these insights too, feel free to forward this to them. I believe all of us will change the world.
