“The Heartbeat: You can make your own family.”
A weekly email for women entrepreneurs of color filled with powerful mindset techniques to create a life + business you love.
Aloha, Wild Heart!
“Oh, they really love me…”
That’s the thought that I had repeatedly this last week, especially when I logged onto a session with my therapist on our last full day in Puerto Rico.
I flew to Austin, Texas to meet my friend, Deb, before flying with her to the island.
“Why don’t you take some time to hang out with your friends?” she asked, knowing she both had her son over the weekend and still had to pack.
I hadn’t even thought about it.
The only thing on my mind was making sure Alaska wasn’t going to cancel another flight!
After I arrived in ATX, I realized, ‘Oh, I do know people here.’
I sent a few text messages letting people know I was in town and whether they had time to see me that day or the next — the only two I’d have in town.
Immediately, I got these responses from my friends:
“What! You’re in town! Absolutely!”
“Ohmigod, I was just thinking about you yesterday! Yes, let’s meet tomorrow.”
“I can’t wait to come see you — I’ll drive out to meet you.”
“Yes! Let me move some things around and I’ll meet you for coffee shortly.”
When a few friends saw me post on social that I was in ATX, I also got these messages:
“I’m bummed we didn’t get to hang! You should’ve stopped by.”
“Please let me know if you have any more time. Would love to see you.”
Deb lent me her car and I drove around from friends’ houses to cafes to restaurants…
So that I could hug these people who I finally realized are more than friends — they are family.
One lifted me and swung me around when he saw me.
One couple shared how many lessons they took from me when I was staying at their home with Wilder.
One told me how grateful she was that our paths crossed, and she was ready to host my daughter and me the next time we were in town.
This doesn’t even include how Deb is like a life partner and her son is like a nephew.
Here’s the thing:
I have spent a lifetime wanting a family.
Because the one I was born into?
I never fit into that one.
I was too loud. Too honest. Too wild for them to bear.
I felt so alone most of my life. Misunderstood. Unaccepted. Lost. I had to navigate so much on my own, to figure out this world with immigrant parents who did not know what I needed at best — and abhorred most of my decisions at worst.
All I’ve ever wanted is connection. A feeling of belonging.
And, because I wanted it so much, I pushed it away as hard as it was offered, for fear of the devastating disappointment I would feel if I opened up my heart with a little bit of hope, only to have it quashed in the end.
When my marriage dissolved, I think I gave up thinking I would ever have the family unit I desperately wanted when I was young.
Until I finally came to see that every city I’ve lived in, every country I’ve been in, I have met strangers who — though we aren’t related by blood — have become the very people who I know are my people.
Before I went over to see my friends, Deirdre and Emilie, and meet their new son, Leiden, Deirdre texted me:
“Is Wilder with you? We’re picking up breakfast.”
“Nope, she’s with her dad in Costa Rica right now.”
“Okay, see you soon! Oh, and our house is a bit of a mess right now, but that’s okay — you’re family.”
Yes. Oh my god. I am family.
I belong.
Maybe you’ve also felt like you didn’t belong.
Like you were the black sheep.
In your heart, you understood there wasn’t actually anything wrong with you. It’s just that the people around you weren’t of like mind. Of like spirit. Of like soul.
It didn’t mean anything was wrong with them either. (Well, most of the time.)
It just meant that you had to do more searching. More waiting. More hurting.
The people who will love you unconditionally are out there. Maybe you have them in your circle now.
The ‘wanting’ makes the ‘having’ that much more a feeling of ‘everything.’
When I was in Austin, I drove by my old house that I shared with my then-husband and young daughter. It still hurts my heart when I recall the memories of my time there — they were deeply sad and wounded.
And yet…
And yet…
And yet…
I found the most beautiful relationships of my life — some of my greatest blessings to this day.
You can still feel tender about the things that didn’t unfold the way you hoped in your life.
If you keep going, if you keep opening up and choosing to honor yourself, your vulnerability, your greatest needs, and your deepest desires, then you will one day live your way into an answer.
Let people in.
Let them love you.
It will be one of the best things you ever do in your entire life.
Love,
Judy
P.S. It’s not easy. And, it’s worth it. Because you are.
The latest episode of the F*ck Saving Face podcast is live!
Tune into Episode 109 where I interview the co-founders of The Yellow Chair Collective: Soo Jin Lee and Linda Yoon.
I can't wait for you to hear it — it's a conversation that's close to my heart, and I believe it will resonate with many of you.
Their upcoming book, Where I Belong, highlights personal narratives and mindfulness practices about how to heal trauma and embrace the Asian American identity.
Here's a sneak peek of the treasures we uncover in this episode:
⤷ The Art of Language:
Soo Jin shares her journey from feeling voiceless due to beinng undocumented and because of language barriers to expressing herself through art and eventually, writing a book.
⤷ ADHD and Identity:
Linda opens up about her late diagnosis of ADHD, challenging the stereotypes and misconceptions about neurodivergence, especially in Asian communities. Her story is a beacon of hope for anyone feeling misunderstood.
⤷ Building a Collective:
We discuss the birth of the Yellow Chair Collective, a mental health sanctuary that champions culturally competent therapy for the Asian American community. The Collective and their book are creating spaces where our stories are heard and validated.
⤷ Unlearning to Relearn:
The conversation takes us through the process of challenging ingrained beliefs, setting healthy boundaries, and redefining what health and wellness mean within our cultural contexts.
This episode is packed with heartfelt stories, eye-opening insights, and a whole lot of soul! It's not just a podcast episode — it's a movement towards a more understanding and compassionate world.
