When your heart breaks from expectation.

Our good friends who we met in Taiwan — a single mom by choice and her adopted son — came to visit us from Arizona to escape the heat the last few days. They moved to the States a little over a year ago, and every single time we’re together, I’m reminded of the time in my life when everything was falling apart.

The first time I saw my friend Lisa on the cobblestone pathway in Taipei, she was holding her son’s hand and walking to the Montessori school my daughter was briefly attending.

My first thoughts were, ‘Oh! She’s probably an American. I can speak English with her.’

So, I struck up a conversation. Little did I know that she would be the woman who would provide a safe haven for myself and my daughter when my husband began to draw clear lines in the sand that our marriage was over.

In fact, we were sleeping over at her house one evening when I woke up to a text message from my husband’s employer — who I helped connect him to — asking, “Is everything okay?”

“What?” I texted back.

“I saw what your husband posted online.”

“What did he post?”

At that point, I realized there was no going back. He had publicly declared our marriage was over and added details that, when I discovered what his employer was referencing, left me with my jaw dropped.

Fast forward five years…

My friend and I are happy in our new homes in the States. Our children are thriving. She texted me when she got back home last night that Jack couldn’t stop talking about Wilder.

If I focus too much on the life I thought I would have — all the expectations of where I thought I’d be by now — I would be missing out on the beautiful life that I’ve created.

There are plenty of ways I could beat myself up:

Why didn’t I invest the hundreds of thousands of dollars I had in my mid-20’s into property, so that I would be a homeowner by now? And, my daughter and I would have a place we could officially call our own home?

Why wasn’t I ready to write my book when I met that editor who’d been featured on all the major news outlets at the time who was so interested in my story?

Why didn’t I have it more “together” then so I know when I should’ve said a firm “NO” to choices that showed up in my life?

But that would negate the story I’ve written:

That I realize I actually do better parenting my daughter by myself — in ways that firm our mother + daughter bond, because it wasn’t something I had in my own life.

That I’m continually reminded of how much love surrounds me from the people in my life and the Universe for all the ways I’ve been held when things have seemingly fallen apart in the moment, only to end up so much better than I anticipated.

That I make a positive impact on mental + emotional health for voices of color with my podcast, with the book I did end up writing, with the coaching/branding/marketing I do with clients.

That I’ve traveled around the world (and so has my daughter) to once-in-a-lifetime experiences and opportunities that money and a house could never have bought, because the most valuable currency I’ve created is connection.

Money — and expectations — can come and go. Things can change in an instant.

(For example, during this week when I have simply been focusing on spending time with my friends and my daughter’s summer camp, when I took a different approach to my business by being more easeful about it, I’ve been offered three new epic opportunities and client engagements!)

You reframe your perspective and suddenly, everything that happened to you becomes wisdom that happened FOR you.

One of the most powerful techniques I’ve learned in my coaching program is “Parts Integration.”

It’s for anyone who finds themselves saying, “A part of me wants this… a part of me wants that…”

It’s for anyone who’s seeking clarity and feeling at a crossroads, stuck, unsure of what to do next, especially in the aspect of career, family, or relationship.

If you feel you’re not achieving the results that you want in your life — especially to the degree you’d like to be experiencing them — you may be held back (just like I was) by conflicting parts within you.

This Parts Integration practice took 20 minutes. While I focused on my Career, the monumental and lasting positive impact it’s had on my relationship with my parents within weeks after that practice has been life-changing in the best ways.

If you’d like to sign up for a Parts Integration session, click here.

The effects are game-changing. I believe that we, especially as women of color, deserve a life where we can feel wild and free to be all of ourselves.

With love,
Judy

P.S. If you know someone who’d like these insights too, feel free to forward this to them. I believe all of us women will change the world.