“The Heartbeat: A childhood you can’t remember.”
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“Mom, can you tell me another story about your childhood?”
I thought for a moment… I already told her the four I remember.
I’ve blocked out a lot of my younger years because of the chaos, the heartbreak, the fear, and the wounds I experienced.
But my daughter keeps asking.
She wants more stories of when I was her age.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot to say.
Or, more accurately, I don’t have a lot to say that’s positive.
A couple of months ago, the Universe gifted me an accountability partner for my book — it’s forced me to go back into my past, to dig up old writings and write new ones, so that I can finally publish the book I’ve been talking about this year.
We have a Zoom call every Wednesday, and he tells me:
“On Tuesdays, I just can’t wait to check my email. It’s like when your favorite show releases a new episode, I’m just waiting for it!”
This New Year’s, I brought Wilder to Palm Springs to see the snow at the top of the tram and to celebrate New Year’s by feeding giraffes at the Living Desert Zoo. She asked if she could stay up until midnight next year, and I thought about her in the future, as an adult, remembering these times.
Her childhood. The stories she would be able to tell.
In our AirBnB that night, I pulled open my laptop and sent my accountability partner three chapters:
One was about living in the space in between, a purgatory in perpetuity.
One was about how my mother would make me fa zhan, punishing me by forcing me to kneel on the tile ground, facing the corner of our kitchen as she did dishes and berated me. If I started to slouch, if my rear started to get close to my heels, then she would yell at me to straighten up in an “L” shape with my body rather than a “Z,” forcing the pressure back onto my knees.
The last one was about my father and his own childhood when he was run over by an army jeep.
When we got on our call this morning, my accountability partner simply shook his head.
“The person you are today — the things that I’ve read that you’ve gone through — every single chapter, I’m just amazed at who you are.”
We’re only about six chapters in...
There are so many more stories to tell.
It makes me realize that maybe the stories I tell Wilder won’t be filled with highlights about fun birthday parties or exciting trips around the world that I’m doing my best to give to her.
Maybe the stories I tell her will be about triumph.
Resilience.
Hope.
Faith.
Creating a chosen family.
Building a life you will be proud of, one that you did mostly on your own.
And allowing yourself to thrive, rather than simply survive.
You are stronger than you know.
You have more capacity than you’ve given yourself credit for.
You are the breath the world needs to breathe.
You are the light the world needs to see.
This Universe wouldn’t be the same without you.
Be wildly you.
Want to work through what’s coming up for you?
Download my free Chakra Journal created with advisory review from a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist.
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Curious about these stories from my book?
Tune in on Monday to the F*ck Saving Face podcast, wherever you listen. I’ll be sharing excerpts from my memoir that I’ve been sharing with my writing accountability partner, too.
Get a free coaching session for F*ck Saving Face podcast listeners!
Editors at Penguin Random House found me on IG to ask if I would interview two of their upcoming authors, co-founders of The Yellow Chair Collective: Soo Jin Lee and Linda Yoon.
Their upcoming book, Where I Belong, highlights personal narratives and mindfulness practices about how to heal trauma and embrace the Asian American identity.
Their podcast interview will debut in late January 2024 to coincide with their live event — in fact, they’ve asked if I’ll facilitate a live conversation in La Jolla, San Diego with them at Warwick’s, the country’s oldest family-owned-and-operated bookstore!
From now until Jan 31st, any listener of the podcast who leaves a review on iTunes will be entered to win a copy of their signed book, and a complimentary 45-minute coaching session with me.
Reserve your spot at Warwick’s if you’d like to join me as I facilitate this live event. (I’m planning to bring Wilder so that she can see her mama in action!)
