“The Heartbeat: Sometimes, you just need to catch up with yourself.”
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”You need to grieve the fact that in order to have the life you want,” my therapist said, “you have to share your daughter with someone else.”
Grief is interesting.
It takes a backseat to the rest of your life, a “non-essential” emotion when it comes to figuring out how to pay the bills, how to feed your children, how to keep your cholesterol down and your heart healthy.
But then, when there’s the slightest inkling of space, grief comes straight to the surface without hesitation.
‘Here I am,’ it says. ‘Now it’s my turn.’
When I chose to leave my marriage, I knew that I had done everything I could — and if I stayed, I would have to one day justify to my young daughter why I tamped myself down to be almost invisible so that she could have what society perceives as a “healthy family unit.”
I did everything I could.
And, I have no qualms if she asks me about it one day what I’ll say.
I simply didn’t know that choosing me, which ultimately and always means choosing her, also meant choosing a lifestyle in which I would have to share my daughter half the time with someone who I would prefer not to have a relationship with at all.
It means not knowing what my daughter is up to half the time, who she’s with, where she is.
And, for a mother, this is distressing.
This is also where faith comes in. The trust and belief that whatever happens in this lifetime, she will be surrounded by the people, connections, and resources I have hopefully set up around her to be more than okay.
If you are a divorced parent, a separated parent, or a single parent, then this post is especially for you...
This post is also for anyone who takes the higher road. Who has spent a year or a lifetime doing so…
This post is for the human being who has had to parent herself, who has had to battle moments or seasons of loneliness, and who feels sometimes even more alienated because being loved can feel more scary than being solo…
This post is for the person who has helped heal themselves, has helped stop intergenerational trauma, has helped soothe someone else’s wounds or heartbreak.
This post is for you.
As we come to a close in 2023, I want to thank you for showing up…
In all the ways.
The imperfect ones.
The invisible ones.
The ungratifying ones.
The contented ones.
And, especially the hard ones.
By doing your best, as much as you can muster or manage in every unfolding moment, you are changing the world for the better.
You are creating an environment, a dynamic, a possibility that didn’t exist before.
You are an unsung hero in the story of your life. And I am here to shine a spotlight to say that I see you.
Because you are also me.
May this holiday season, if you are sharing it with those you love or wish that you could, be filled with being seen and celebrated like never before.
In all the ways, thank you for being part of my community.
Love,
Judy
This holiday season, I’m gifting a book + a coaching session for F*ck Saving Face podcast listeners…
Editors at Penguin Random House found me on IG to ask if I would interview two of their upcoming authors, co-founders of The Yellow Chair Collective: Soo Jin Lee and Linda Yoon. (I was familiar with the organization, because I interviewed one of their therapists, Sharon Kwon, during season 1 of my podcast.)
Their upcoming book, Where I Belong, highlights personal narratives and mindfulness practices about how to heal trauma and embrace the Asian American identity.
Their podcast interview will debut in late January 2024 to coincide with their live event — in fact, they’ve asked if I’ll facilitate a live conversation in La Jolla, San Diego with them at Warwick’s, the country’s oldest family-owned-and-operated bookstore!
From now until Jan 31st, any listener of the podcast who leaves a review on iTunes will be entered to win a copy of their signed book, and a complimentary 45-minute coaching session with me.
If you’d like more resources on healing grief, check out these mindfulness practices I recorded, especially helpful during the holidays:
Here for you and all voices of color,
Judy
