“The Heartbeat: It’s totally normal that we were beaten.”
I’ve been listening to Simu Liu’s memoir, We Were Dreamers, and I’ve gotten to the part where he talks about how his parents beat him…
Because they sacrificed so much to create the life he had in Canada.
Because he tried his best to be academically perfect, then hit his teenage years in North American culture, and began to talk back.
Because — well, for so many of the reasons that immigrant parents act the way they do to children they give everything to.
Simu Liu opens the book learning about getting the role of Shang-Chi, the next Marvel superhero. He calls his parents to tell them. His friend records the call.
“I love you,” he says at the end.
“Okay,” they say.
He doubles down.
“I love you,” he repeats.
“That’s good.”
Hearing narratives like his reminds me why I want to write my book.
Hearing him describe the challenges of loving his grandparents, yet never being able to fully convey the depth of his feelings towards them because of Chinese stoicism… of understanding how difficult it is for his mother to learn English because of the complex clusterf*ck of words like “colonel”… of being subpar when your academic record is on average above 80%…
Mostly, it’s hearing about how his parents tell him he’s worthless.
Slapping him.
Beating him.
Them becoming the enemy.
Simu’s upbringing isn’t exceptional. It’s the story of the sacrifices my parents and grandparents made, too. It’s the story many of my Asian Americans have experienced. It’s the story of strong physical discipline to assuage the fears of a world no one understands.
Just today, my therapist told me that she’ll know when our relationship is complete when I can fully believe that I am worthy…
When I embrace that I am deserving.
When the echoes of those voices from my parents and relatives growing up finally subsides.
When I’m not surprised that people want to be around me, because they like my company. Because hey, in fact, they love me.
When I’m not bewildered that despite my intellectual mind understanding the immense value I bring to clients beyond what any of my counterparts offer, that little girl in me still shrinks sometimes…
When I’m too seen.
Being too seen throughout my childhood meant my father taking a rolling pin and whacking my open palms. If I pulled my hand away, he hit harder. He hit more.
It meant my mother taking the bamboo stick of a feather duster and whipping it against the back of my thighs.
It meant that I would have to kneel facing a corner in my kitchen for a minimum of 30 minutes as my mother told me she regretted ever having me.
I know what Simu Liu went through.
And when you hear your story articulated by someone else who was able to transform that trauma into a tremendous narrative, you feel safer being seen.
In my latest podcast episode 112, I share snippets of chapters of the book I’m working on:
“How to Disappoint Your Parents in 10 Shameless Steps: A Modern Asian-American Guide.”
I hope you’ll listen and if you do, and find it helpful, I hope you’ll share it with someone in your life who needs to know that life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful.
Make your story beautiful today.
Love,
Judy
P.S. I’m looking for individuals who want to join my ARC — Advanced Readers Copy — team for my upcoming book! Contact me with the subject line “ARC” if you’d like to learn more.
