EP 104: Taboos Unveiled: Navigating Childhood Secrets, Cultural Clashes, and the Unspoken Realities of Pleasure with Judy Tsuei [Memoir Excerpts]
Discovering your true self — with personal branding and a book
Unleashing the Potential of Personal Branding
As someone who works in branding and marketing, I've been actively engaging with my network on LinkedIn, sharing insights and trends in personal branding. It's been an incredible journey of growth, as I've shifted my focus from corporate branding to personal branding. I've noticed a significant change in how individuals present themselves and their businesses, and I'm thrilled to be a part of this dynamic landscape.
Empowering Women Entrepreneurs of Color
One of the most fulfilling aspects of my work has been supporting women entrepreneurs of color. There's a unique joy in helping individuals bring their purpose to life, and I've been fortunate to witness the limitless potential that comes with owning a business. This work is deeply personal for me, as it reflects my own upbringing. My immigrant parents faced numerous challenges with their businesses, and their journey has greatly influenced my decision to forge my own path.
The Healing Journey of Writing a Book
Recently, I've embarked on a new adventure — writing a book. This project has served as a constant reminder of the importance of pursuing my passions. I've sent my book proposal to various agents and publishing houses, and the feedback I've received, especially from my cousin, has been incredibly valuable. I've set aside dedicated time in my schedule for writing, and I've found the process to be therapeutic.
A Sneak Peek into My Book Proposal
To give you a taste of my book, I've decided to share excerpts from it in my podcast episodes. I'm eager to hear your thoughts and feedback on whether this direction aligns with the podcast's focus. One of the chapters, titled "Step Five: Embracing Pleasure and Breaking Taboos," recounts a childhood memory of my mother's disapproval when she caught me exploring my own sexuality. It's a reflection on societal norms, parental attitudes towards pleasure, and the conflicting emotions that arise when discovering our parents' intimate lives.
Reflecting on Childhood and Challenging Societal Expectations
Growing up in a household with immigrant entrepreneurial parents was a unique experience. I remember times when we had to spend the night in the minivan on weekends because my parents were too exhausted to drive home from their businesses. I remembered the curiosity I felt when I stumbled upon a tape in my father's warehouse and the excitement of visiting my aunt and uncle's video rental store. These experiences, along with a memorable incident of discovering a collection of adult videos on a yacht, have shaped my journey of breaking free from societal expectations and finding fulfillment on my own terms.
Your Feedback Matters
I encourage you to share this episode and reach out to me with your thoughts. Your feedback is incredibly valuable to me, and I'm always eager to hear your perspectives. As we continue on this journey together, I want to express my gratitude for your support and invite you to rate and review the podcast.
🎧 💭 Have childhood experiences shaped our attitudes towards pleasure? 🚪🔒 Share your thoughts on how closed doors can affect our perception of taboo topics.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to bring more diverse voices to the podcast. The main goal of the podcast is to provide a platform for different people to share their stories and experiences, highlighting how they have reached their current positions and come from various backgrounds.
Thank you for your support and I look forward to the next episode. Stay in touch by signing up for my weekly newsletter!
Episode Highlights:
The trends in personal branding (00:00:02)
Judy Tsuei discusses the trends she sees in personal branding on LinkedIn and invites listeners to follow her for more content.
Evolution of personal branding (00:01:17)
Judy Tsuei talks about her personal branding evolution and her work with women of color entrepreneurs, highlighting the excitement of helping individuals bring their purpose to light.
Pursuing the book writing project (00:03:25)
Judy Tsuei shares her journey of writing a book, including sending her book proposal to agents and publishing houses, receiving feedback from her cousin, and blocking out time on her calendar for writing.
The Book Proposal (00:09:45)
Judy Tsuei discusses her book proposal and invites feedback from listeners on the direction of the podcast.
Childhood Memories (00:12:05)
Judy Tsuei shares a childhood memory of a confusing incident involving her parents and her own actions.
Parents' Reaction (00:13:49)
Judy Tsuei reflects on her parents' reaction to her actions and the impact it had on her perception of her own body.
Judy Tsuei's Personal Branding and Mindset Coaching (00:18:24)
Judy Tsuei discusses her branding and marketing work and her recent focus on personal branding and mindset coaching.
Judy Tsuei's Reflection on Her Own Business (00:19:21)
Judy Tsuei reflects on the excitement of helping individuals bring their purpose to light and discusses the unlimited potential of owning her own business.
Judy Tsuei's Journey of Writing a Book (00:20:16)
Judy Tsuei shares her journey of writing a book, including sending her book proposal to agents and publishing houses, and the cathartic experience of writing.
The journey of personal branding (00:26:20)
Judy Tsuei discusses her branding and marketing profession, trends in personal branding, and her LinkedIn presence.
Supporting women of color entrepreneurs (00:27:11)
Judy Tsuei talks about her work in mindset coaching and supporting women of color entrepreneurs, reflecting on her own immigrant parents' struggles.
Writing a book and pursuing independence (00:29:35)
Judy Tsuei shares her journey of writing a book, including sending her proposal to agents, blocking time for writing, and embracing her path of independence.
Links Mentioned:
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Transcript:
Judy Tsuei (00:00:02) - Welcome to the Saving Face podcast, where we're empowering mental and emotional health for Asian Americans and voices of color by breaking through taboo topics. Life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful. Make your story beautiful today. So I've begun to evolve my branding and marketing business into personal branding because I am very active on LinkedIn, and the more that I'm active there, the more that I can see the trends starting to demonstrate that different businesses are seeking LinkedIn influencers and really utilizing personal branding to a new level. So already we've seen different influencers in the TikTok Instagram space, but it hasn't really penetrated into LinkedIn. And if that's something that you're interested in and you want to learn more about, definitely follow me on LinkedIn. It's @judytsuei, T as in Tom, S as in Sam, U-E-I. That's what I say every single time I'm on the phone and I have to spell out my surname. But you will see how I'm starting to offer more content there about personal branding. And if that's something that you want to take your business to, to the next level, definitely reach out to me.
Judy Tsuei (00:01:17) - You can send me an email at Judy at Wild Hearted Words. Com. So if you do follow me on Instagram, you'll see that I've been celebrating this personal branding evolution, this work in mindset coaching, this work with women of color entrepreneurs. Because over the last week I kicked off a bunch of different calls and offerings, and it's so exciting to see different individuals bringing their purpose to light. And this is from people who have proven success in their different careers, but they're not quite sure how to evolve that into a personal brand. It's people who are seeking help me figure out what my zone of genius is. Help me figure out what my superpower is, how can I show up differently in the world? And one of the things that I love about owning my own business is that it's unlimited. What I create and how much time and energy I invest. I can create however much revenue that I want to generate based on my creativity, my follow through, my strategy, my sales, all of that.
Judy Tsuei (00:02:20) - So there are different levers that I can pull, and that helps me to feel super empowered, to be able to have the kind of life that I want to create for myself and my daughter. And I'm going to tell you that this was a hard one effort in terms of I saw my parents as immigrants struggling with their businesses. They did not demonstrate that it was easy. They did not demonstrate that there was any success to it. In fact, they just demonstrated constant hardship. So I tried the path that they wanted me to go down that most immigrant parents want. They want you to pursue the tried and true path, because that seems to be the path to safety. And I'm not knocking it by any reason, but I am not built like that. I've actually been realizing that there are many different facets of the way that my brain works, and the way that I am built as a human being. My creativity, my desire for connection, my ikigai, the Japanese concept of figuring out what that core thing is that you're meant to do is to create impact.
Judy Tsuei (00:03:25) - And that's why I have this podcast here. So if you need support and this is something that speaks to your heart, then definitely reach out to me and let's have a conversation. Let's see how we can bring your gifts to light along those lines. Today's episode is going to be a little bit different, because it is also going to be about me pursuing the things that I feel like are going to create the most impact. And I've been getting continual reminders that it's time for me to write my book. So I also did the tried and trued, you know, did invest in a book. Coach wrote the whole book proposal, sent it to a couple of agents, sent it to different publishing houses, entered it into competitions. And this is by no means you know, me. Exhausting the list. I recently was sent a screenshot from my dear friend, who said that the Lessons in Chemistry book hit over 90 rejections before it was finally accepted and made into the book that it is now, and the movie that it is, or the series.
Judy Tsuei (00:04:22) - So that was one reminder. Another reminder is in fact my cousin. So she is much younger than me. I remember when they were very young and I helped to babysit them every now and again. But now we're all adults, and during our last family gathering, I mentioned that I had written this book proposal. I mentioned that it was about growing up with immigrant parents, that it was about following your own path to freedom and to contentment when being raised in an environment with high expectations, with, hi, how would you say that? There's a lot of shame in not doing the thing that your elders wanted you to do, because they sacrificed so much for you to have these opportunities? And so my cousin was like, I want to know about it. I sent her the book proposal. She actually emailed me. It was one of the first emails that I read when we got off the plane from Maui, my daughter and I. And it was basically sorry for the year that it took me to respond to you.
Judy Tsuei (00:05:25) - Yours is the first non recipe that I read because she works in the culinary industry, and I was very flattered because she took the time to go through and read the sample chapter. She gave me her honest feedback. She talked about how many of her friends would benefit from the content that I had created and shared with her. So all of these reminders keep coming in, and I have finally blocked out time on my calendar that every weekday I have an hour and a half that I'm devoting to this. And when I write, because of the topics that I write about, because they're coming from my own life and they're pulling from different phases of my life that were very difficult. And yet I also feel like this is a very cathartic experience. It's not like I can sit and write through that hour and a half. Sometimes I'll get in the zone, and that's definitely possible. Other times I have to get up, walk around, do something else. Sometimes I'll just go outside and I will let the sun shine down on my face.
Judy Tsuei (00:06:24) - And just to feel what that feels like for a while. But what it's inspired me to do, and what I've been thinking about, is that in the next season of this podcast, these episodes that are designed as the mindfulness practices and the personal reflections will be excerpts from my book as I work through them. It will be a great motivator for me to basically workshop my book. And I'm curious for you as a listener, if that's even of interest, if these things that I write and share are of interest to you, I can see that the listenership to this podcast is going up. And I'm very curious about what it is that you want to hear more about. And if these episodes that are snippets of sample chapters, whether they make it into the book or not, it's going to be me working through these elements. And I would love to hear. So if you would, please share with me, go to Judy at Wild Hearted words.com and let me know what you think. If you've heard one of these episodes that are basically excerpts, that would be really helpful, not just for me, you know, as a writer, but also for me to know that this work is being of service because that is my greater purpose, that I want to be of service, that I want to take what at different points of my life has been profoundly painful and alleviate that burden for someone else, that we are all here connected to one another.
Judy Tsuei (00:07:48) - And I hope that, you know, I just shared my really good friend. I call her my wife. She came out for a visit. And we're very different in so many respects, but we're also very much the same. And I've had people telling me over the last, well, for quite some time, but also especially over the last half a year, I would say that I don't have to keep striving, that I have all the things that I work so hard to create and to cultivate, from my therapist to my partner, to my friends. They've all said the same message. And yet it wasn't until my friend Deb said it to me and she was saying it. As she was recalling her tattoo experience, I told her about my tattoo experience here in San Diego with a stick and poke artist who does a whole ceremony. I told her about it, she signed up, she came out, and she also got a ceremony session. And so she was telling me about her tattoo session and about how the tattoo artist had said, oh, you both are very you're very different.
Judy Tsuei (00:08:50) - Like your energy. She was saying this to Deb is pretty grounded and Judy is just more like high energy or whatnot. And Deb was saying, well, I actually think it's just more of the fact that she hasn't fully embraced that she already is where she wants to be, or is already the person she's worked hard to become, like, she just needs to, you know, settle into that a little bit. And because Deb said it to me, it struck a different chord and it resonated differently. And I'm hoping that these stories that I share with you are either going to be micro steps to a big aha moment for yourself, or that they will be resonant of other messages that you've heard in different realms of your life, and suddenly strike you differently so that it will allow you. It will unlock something. It will be the portal through which you can walk, to feel the thing you want to feel, to access the thing you want to access, to live the life that you want to have.
Judy Tsuei (00:09:45) - And so today's episode will be this inaugural preview kind of thing, where I'm going to read you elements of the sample chapter that I have for my book proposal. And honestly, I would love to hear what you think of it. If you think this is the direction that you want this podcast to go, if you want it to be focused on something else. If you find that the content is really resonant with you and you want to hear more of it, if it isn't, you know exactly what you want. However your feedback is. I would be honored to hear it, and I hope that. You know, put it in a compassion kindness sandwich, knowing that it's me pouring my heart and soul out into the world. Truly, it's me putting my heart out there. This is all I've ever wanted to do. This is, you know, when I found out what writing was, it truly was everything it was. It is like breathing to me. And I distinctly remember going to UCLA for an event because they would have different events on campus and sitting, you know, really close to David Sedaris reading on stage of one of his from an upcoming book, and he had a pen in his hand.
Judy Tsuei (00:10:57) - And he's specifically like checking off places in his manuscript where the audience had a reaction and I could see him live workshopping his book to this paid audience who came to see him. I thought that was so clever and, you know, really demonstrated his dedication to his craft as well. So, as I would often say, without further ado, I am going to read you a sample snippet from the chapter of my book. So I'm not going to reveal what the title is just quite yet, but I will share the title of the chapter. It's step five. Start watching porn. Masturbate. Get your pelvic floor massage these I saw my mother demands I am rubbing my pelvis against the purple carpet of the big room in our house, which also happens to be my parents bedroom. The big room is the largest room in our West Los Angeles home, complete with trendy wooden beams on the ceiling that we'd later discover are all sorts of wrong when it comes to feng shui. Things always go sideways in the big room next to us.
Judy Tsuei (00:12:05) - My mother yells at me, what are you doing? I stopped moving my body. What was I doing? I hold my breath. Need sites for summer? What are you doing? I don't know, I am lying on my belly, rubbing my pelvis forward and backward in front of the TV. I like the way it feels. It feels really, really good. Is she mad that I'm watching TV? We aren't supposed to be watching on the weekdays, but our Mexican housekeeper Tanya is there, so I thought I could sneak in a little TV since it wasn't really me who was watching. I wait for instructions, then I stand up. I quickly push myself up. Tonya, the wife of one of my father's undocumented immigrant construction company employees, lives with us Monday through Friday, then goes back to her husband and children on Sundays. She has high arched bangs held in place by Aqua Net and darkly penciled eyebrows. She keeps her eyes focused on the soap opera playing on the television screen before us.
Judy Tsuei (00:13:02) - Need some more questions answered. How could you think to do this? No more asking. Disgusting. I keep my eyes down when my parents yell at me. I'm not allowed to look them in the eyes, because if I do, they think that I'm challenging them. Unless, of course, they tell me to look at them. In which case, if I don't, I get an even more trouble. My mother has never seen me do this thing before, but based on her reaction, whatever I'm doing is bad. Tonya hadn't said anything before, even though I had done this once or twice around her. Why hadn't she told me that this was something I wasn't supposed to do? I didn't hear my mother come home. I usually keep my ears on alert because we're not allowed to close the doors in our house, so if I do anything that's a little questionable, I make sure to know how to run and hide. Tanya can't speak Mandarin, even though she's picked up a few words from my grandmother.
Judy Tsuei (00:13:49) - They laugh together when she tries to pronounce nai for milk to feed my youngest brother. This time, though, she seems to know exactly what my mother is saying because she starts gathering up the clothes she was folding very quickly. I try to look at Tanya while my mother is yelling at me, but Tanya won't turn her body towards me. She puts the last few items of laundry into the plastic hamper. I want Tanya to put me in the basket and carry me away with her, the way she sometimes puts my youngest brother in it and whisks him up and around. But I know that's silly. I keep my eyes looking down and catch the sight of Tanya's ankles shuffling quickly out of the room, her blue jeans cuff tight. I imagine her walking as far away as she can to the other side of the house, straight into her own room. I bet she closes the door. She leaves me to my mother. No more asking, my mother repeats, shaking her head. I won't ever learn the Mandarin word for masturbate.
Judy Tsuei (00:14:41) - Six months later, I catch my parents having sex in the big room. I wake up from a bad dream and want their help. I'm in fourth grade. My parents door is slightly ajar. I can hear the quiet murmur of the television. Since my siblings and I aren't allowed to watch TV on the weekdays, I think they're being a little hypocritical. The light of the television emanates from the room and widens as I push the door open a little bit more. It makes no sound on the carpet as it swings inwards. They're on their queen sized bed, parallel to the TV. My father is having sex with my mother going to town missionary style. My mother's gaze looks past me towards the TV. Her short black hair moves in response to the rhythm of my father's pulses. She looks dead, comatose, completely uninterested. Everything is covered in a pale blue hue. I walk in whatever sound my nine year old body makes finally gets their attention. My father leaps off my mother and quickly covers himself with the comforter to Magadha.
Judy Tsuei (00:15:38) - My mother asks, startled. What's wrong? I had a bad dream, I say, pretending to be bleary eyed so they won't realize how much I have seen. I could have turned around. I had enough time before they saw me. I could have gone back to bed when I realized what they were doing, and they never would have known I was there. It could have been my secret, but I don't want to carry any more things I shouldn't know about. My body begins to move forward somehow. My mother says. She turns her head up diagonally towards me. What? And I am walking towards their bed, towards my semi naked father, towards my mother, pulling her long cotton nightgown down towards her ankles under the covers. My mother hates being touched. I crawl into bed beside her. I curl my body to face her. I do this as though this is a normal thing. We do as though my parents are like those American parents I catch every now and again on Growing Pains or Small World or Life Goes on.
Judy Tsuei (00:16:31) - Parents who obviously overtly care, parents who comfort their kids when they are disappointed about a school test grade or a baseball game they lost. But I have never done this before. We do not do this in my family sandwich under the shared blankets. Now their bodies freeze. They don't know what to do. I close my eyes, I pretend to sleep. I will not leave their bed even though I actually want to. I've committed. This is it. I stay right there in between them awkwardly until morning. I DON'trillionEMEMBER who gets up to turn off the TV. My parents frequently tell me I am the rebellious one, that I am the one who keeps making all the mistakes. My mother says you are so selfish becomes the chorus to our conversations. She often starts or finishes her dialogue with me by telling me that everything about my presence is wrong. Well, put away some of Sydney. I don't know why I gave birth to you. She doesn't say this to my younger sister who is just like her.
Judy Tsuei (00:17:30) - She doesn't say this to my younger brother, the first son of the family, and she definitely won't say this to the baby. Nine years my junior, with his adorable dimpled cheeks and good nature, who I, like everyone else, loves so much. She only says this to me when she busted me for rubbing myself against the carpet. My mother made me feel like feeling good in my own body was inherently wrong too, just as much as my simply being in the world. When I catch my parents having sex, I see that pleasure isn't part of her vocabulary. She knows what obligation is. That's clear to me. Even in fourth grade, just as much as it's obvious how opposite we are. Maybe her version of staying safe, of teaching me as a mother, especially in the company of men, is to remind me that life is hard and don't expect to feel good about it that night. I wonder if she realizes that closing doors is just as much about keeping out what you don't want as keeping in what you do.
Judy Tsuei (00:18:24) - My father's construction company keeps him busy. He takes projects all over Orange and Los Angeles counties. Sometimes he doesn't come home at night telling us he's too tired to drive the hour or so home. So he sleeps in his warehouse in the City of Industry on the weekends. My siblings and I are constantly going from store to store because on Saturdays and Sundays we don't have school to provide the kind of childcare my parents need for my relatives video store to my parents aquarium store, then from aquarium supply stores where my mother chooses tanks, pumps and fish that Filipino women package, and ballooning plastic bags to Home Depot, where my father gets lumber for his construction business. Sometimes we don't go home on the weekends because my parents are too tired to drive anymore, so we sleep in the minivan with the seats pushed down, slipping on sleeping bags, and then taking a sink wipe down shower in the mornings. I hate this and I'm always bored. I have to play in parking lots. I weave around those fish supply warehouses waiting for my mother to be done.
Judy Tsuei (00:19:21) - She tells me to keep an eye on my siblings. My youngest brother is now two. Sometimes when carting the four of us around becomes too much. She leaves us at my father's warehouse. He's usually not there on one of these days in the warehouse, I try to find creative projects for us to do, but our parents haven't left us with anything to play with. There are no art supplies, there are no books. And I know enough not to touch my father's drafting table, where blueprints of the houses and restaurants of his wealthy clients are scattered about. As we wait for my mother to come back, I remember my father's small TV and VCR that he keeps in the back office, in the same room where he sleeps. When he stays there, the blue sleeping bag with its red plaid inside lining is in the corner. I know my mother would be annoyed that I even turned it on, but if she gives me grief, I'll tell her that it's the weekend. And she did say that we could watch a little TV on Saturdays and Sundays before I can finagle the antenna to fix the static on the screen, I notice there's a tape in the TV and VCR combo.
Judy Tsuei (00:20:16) - I hit eject quietly, hoping that it will be a kids video. Maybe they kept one of the ones from the VHS supply when they sold all the videos after deciding not to start the rental store, but it's not the label says spirit of 76. I don't know what to do with this. If I push it back into the VCR, it will automatically start playing, but if I hold it in my hands any longer, my siblings will see it and also wonder what it is. They're just as bored as I am. They probably would hope it's a cartoon too. I leave the tape slightly ejected, not enough that it will automatically get pulled into the VHS to start playing, but visible enough to see that it is there. And then I quickly shout out, let's go play hide and seek in the warehouse! To deflect any attention from the TV, we head out to the massive, high ceilinged area where aquarium stands are in different stages of finish. There are buckets of paint, nails on the ground, massive construction tools, scaffolds, everything is haphazardly organized.
Judy Tsuei (00:21:07) - Everything has a layer of sawdust. I hate getting dirty. Okay, I'll be it, I tell my siblings as we try to find places to hide. But watch out for Baba's tools. A year later, my youngest brother will find one of these nails on the carpet in our home. He'll swallow it just in time for my aunt to see. My mother will take him to the ER. After dropping my sister and I off at math tutoring classes, because every time he leans forward, he starts to gag. The doctor will reprimand her for her negligence. When my mother picks us up later, I tell her about the video I found. She doesn't even have to go to the back room to look at it. She laughs a little and I can tell she knows what it is. Your father, she says awkwardly, then yells at us to get in the car. My mother pulls off the ten freeway on Hoover Street in our boxy Toyota minivan, stores with brightly lit signs above them and fluorescent lighting from within them are cramped closely together.
Judy Tsuei (00:21:56) - Block after block, Mexican families walk down the streets. You don't see families like this walking together. Where we live, you see single white people walking their dogs. My aunt and uncle's store, Hoover video is a few streets down from the exit. My mother turns left into the parking lot. Yet because all the spots are full. She pulls directly in front of the glass, double doors to the rental store, then tells my sister and I to hop out quickly. We grab our backpacks. The double doors are heavy, so I pull one of the doors open for my sister and make sure it closes behind me. My mother drives away. My sister and I walk behind the counter, pick up the Formica top lifted on its hinge, then place it back down carefully as though we are entering through a real life clapperboard. We are met with floor to ceiling shelves. My father helped his sister and her husband build full of VHS tapes and clear plastic boxes, alphabetized and separated by movie genre categories. In our backpacks is the math homework.
Judy Tsuei (00:22:49) - My parents hope my three older cousins will tutor us in. They know nothing about logic. I just started junior high hormonal entering puberty, unsure of my gangly body and flat chest. I'm failing out of this math class, but when my. This cousin tries to help me with it. He gives me frustrated glances behind his thick rectangular glasses, saying, come on, I don't know how to try harder. We head towards the back left room where there's a bed, a desk and a closed circuit monitor behind a plywood door. I want my sister to get help with her homework first, because I dread what I know is coming. I step back outside to sit at the high stool at the counter with ye in the back. I am in charge of keeping an eye on the cash register now. My aunt and uncle have warn me before you need to watch what these people are doing. These people, the patrons in the store are different from me. I am learning to be suspicious. I hope that later you will ask me to take what looks like a blow dryer to shrink wrap plastic around new videos that he'd stuffed with styrofoam inserts.
Judy Tsuei (00:23:47) - This only happens when they get new inventory, and it's rare that it coincides with our visits. My second favorite job is to take the VHS covers and return them back on the floor. Since my siblings and I don't really get to watch any TV except for a few hours of crappy weekend television. If we weren't being carted around, this is the only time I find out about the movies my friends in junior high are talking about. My least favorite job is to stick videos in the rewinding machine when customers forget, despite the little orange sticker on the tapes that say be kind, rewind $1 charge. I don't like standing there and waiting. Sometimes when I do my second favorite job and shove the videos back on the floor, I noticed someone go behind the dark maroon curtain in the corner. No one in my family now, my parents, not my aunts, uncles, cousins tell me what's there, but I've caught enough glimpses to know. Plus, there's the x x x neon sign hanging above it that gives it away.
Judy Tsuei (00:24:37) - Today, a middle aged Mexican man walks behind the curtain. He has on a dark brown leather jacket and blue jeans. I am already suspicious. I walk back behind the counter to sit on the high chair so I can have a good view. A few minutes later, the man comes out the cover of a video in his hand. I can see the one he's holding is different from the ones I just shoved. Instead of a paper cover, it looks like it's inside of a puffed up plastic jacket. It's black. He walks up to me, then sheepishly slides the double X rated video across the counter towards me. I looked down, then quickly away. On the front cover is a white woman with breasts much larger than I have ever seen in real life. One minute please. The guy nods, his forearms now on the counter. He leans forward as I back away. I get off the stool as quickly as possible. I hurried to the side room. Yay, I say quietly. There's a man there who needs help.
Judy Tsuei (00:25:29) - He looks at me, then realizes something. His face changes, an uncomfortable grin now on his face. He doesn't ask any questions. Stay here with your sister, I hear ye say. Hi sir. And then a second later go to the back shelves to retrieve the video his customer is asking for. Do you have your rental card? He asks. We can see you from the closed circuit, black and white TV on the desk. I can hear their conversation around the corner from us narrating the silent show. We are watching as this man hands the laminated card over to you. I watch you punch keys in the cash register, then pull out change. It's due back on Tuesday. A few minutes later, ye leaves the frame of the television, then immediately appears in the doorway to my left like magic. Okay, he says back in the room with us. You can go back to the counter. He picks up tutoring my sister right where he left off. 2019 1817 my sister Jeanette counts eyes closed in the backyard.
Judy Tsuei (00:26:20) - Later that summer, I run to hide. I climb up the small metallic ladder of the blue and white yacht parked in our side yard, then quietly make my way over the dead leaves that had fallen into the open deck behind the steering wheel. I squeeze my way down into the galley, thinking about hiding in the bathroom of the lower deck. As I walk the narrow hallway between the dining nook and the sink, I see a pile of videos, like a collapsed row of dominoes on the scratchy blue and gray fabric of one of the yacht's beds. There are at least a dozen. I woke up curious. VHS tapes had become a regular thing in our house. My father, inspired by his sister and her husband, tried to start his own VHS rental store too, but it never came to fruition. So while we initially had stacks of VHS tapes piled high in our living room, they quickly went away. Except for these, apparently there are some tapes in paper covers, some in black puffed up plastic shells.
Judy Tsuei (00:27:11) - Some are just open and bare. They all have one thing in common they're all porn. By now. There's a quiet understanding in our family that my father watches porn when he isn't around. He isn't around a lot. My sister is still counting 13, 12, 11, ten. I can hear her tiny voice muffled now by the cabin of the boat. She'll be coming to find me soon. Seven. Six. Five I creep closer to the videos. I look at the small squares of naked women and men on the backs of the jackets. I don't touch any of them. I'm afraid that if I do, someone will know they've been tampered with. But I want to. I want to touch them very badly. Three. Two. One. I can't hide here. If my sister finds me here, she'll see the stash too. I scramble back up to the open deck. Hey, she says when she spots me. Are you supposed to be up there? My sister is quiet. She is the good.
Judy Tsuei (00:28:01) - Girl. She follows the rules. She says the right things. My mother jokes with my aunts and uncles that when my sister is born, my mother used to make sure she was breathing because she was so quiet and peaceful, unlike me, who cried every single night for hours at a time. I'm coming down, I tell her a week later. I can't stop thinking about the videos. My grandmother is home, my siblings are accounted for. So I slink out of the house, then back towards the boat. Okay, I tell myself, if I don't go inside to look at them, then that's okay. I can just look at them from the tinted window at the bow of the boat. I want to be like my sister. I want to be guai, I stay low. If anyone looks outside the big room's windows, they'll see me. And the big room is usually where my brothers hang out after school. I hold on to the metallic railing as I traverse the thin side walkway of the boat and feel like I'm in a jungle gym at school.
Judy Tsuei (00:28:48) - I get to the tinted square plexiglass window and peer down inside. Yes, the videos are still there. I look towards the big room. No one is see me. Everyone is in the house. If I go in right now, no one will know that I'm there. I'll have a little time. I creep toward the stern, careful not to fall the eight feet below to the concrete driveway in our backyard. I try not to step on leaves as I make my way to the back deck, then unhook the latch to the wood sliding door, then walk down the stairs into the musty cabin. My feet make a quiet thud on the thin carpet beneath me. This time I want to touch them. I want to pick up a video to look closer. I sit next to the videos, trying to figure out which one I'll pick up. After I choose one, I make a mental note of how it's sitting, the order it is in line with the rest, so that I know precisely how to put it back after I'm done.
Judy Tsuei (00:29:35) - When I cram for tests at school, I can visualize the place on my page of notes where the answer I'm looking for is. One of my friends tells me that this is having a photographic memory. I didn't know there was a term for that. I use my photographic memory. Now I am bad, I am naughty. I wonder what it's like to watch these. So that is a sampling of my book of one of the chapters. And it's not a full chapter. It's still a work in progress, but the whole point of this book is going to be that I have basically failed out of being a quote unquote, good Chinese girl. And yet the life that I've created is one that totally suits me. I'm very, very happy with. And it has not been without its fair share of hardships pursuing this path of independence, really being vocal, showing up and being seen, especially coming from a culture that that was not widely accepted. So if that is of interest to you and you want to hear more, please do email, share this episode.
Judy Tsuei (00:30:38) - You know, share it on your platforms. Tag me in it. I'm at wild hearted words in most places and let me know what you think. I will continue to work on this. This is my passion project and in lieu of a mindfulness episode, today's episode is all about this. So thank you so much for listening. I hope that you have an amazing rest of your week, rest of your day, rest of your. Whenever you're listening to this, and I will see you in the next episode for an incredible interview with a guest who has interviewed Kamala Harris, who has spoken at South by Southwest, who has been very outspoken in regards to being seen as an Asian American, especially in the professional sphere. And all of this pretty much started when he was trying to figure out what to do after he got laid off and during the pandemic, so stay tuned for that episode. Thank you so much, as always, for listening. It also means so much to me. If you want to go rate this podcast so more people can find it.
Judy Tsuei (00:31:45) - And again, it can be of service and hopefully make a positive impact in the world. Mahalo. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you'd like to support me and this show, please go to iTunes and leave your review. It means so much to me and it'll help others find this podcast. I'll catch you in the next episode, and if you'd like to stay in touch between now and then, please visit Wild Hearted Words and sign up for my weekly newsletter. I've had people share with me that it's the best thing to arrive in their inbox all week. Aloha!
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