EP 98: The most powerful tool for finding contentment [Mindfulness]
The Pursuit of Contentment: A Personal Journey
I'm Judy Tsuei, the founder of Wild Hearted Words, a strategic branding and content marketing agency. I'm also a mental health advocate and the host of the F*ck Saving Face podcast. Today, I want to share with you my personal journey towards finding contentment and overcoming the fear of happiness.
In today’s personal essay + mindfulness episode, we cover these topics:
The Fear of Happiness
As a daughter of immigrants, I've often experienced a sense of scarcity that has led to a fear of happiness. According to my therapist, it’s a fairly common fear, because most of us believe that happiness is fleeting and unsustainable. It’s been helpful to learn that happiness is not about being in a state of joy 24/7 — instead, it's about contentment, and collecting moments of happiness by being fully present in those moments, to lift you up when life inevitably gets tough.
Therapy and Medication: Tools for Self-Discovery
My therapist has been instrumental in helping me shift my mindset and pursue contentment instead of happiness, yet there’s been one term she’s continued to use that I don’t like: “survivor of trauma.” In this episode, you’ll find out why. You’ll also learn why I chose to start using medication to manage the anxiety I didn’t know I was holding, and how this has allowed me to examine myself more deeply and become aware of the tension and trauma held in my body.
The Power of Neuro Linguistic Programming
Recently, I've gained certifications in Mental Emotional Release(R), Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), and hypnotherapy. These modalities have been key in improving various areas of my life. In this episode, we’ll cover whether you’re being motivated to achieve your goals based on an “away” or “toward” motivation.
Celebrating Achievements and Taking Up Space
As a woman entrepreneur, I've learned the importance of celebrating achievements and taking up space. Most of us don’t relish and savor the moments of happiness. We don’t give yourselves permission to play and dream. Find out why I’m learning to now “pause” and take it all in.
Believe in yourself and your power. Anchor these moments of happiness in your hearts.
Mindfulness Practice and the Power of the Unconscious Mind
I guide you through a mindfulness practice where you recall moments of celebration and visualize them vividly using all your senses. This practice emphasizes the power of the unconscious mind and the ability to manifest and pretend.
Episode Highlights:
Pursuit of Happiness vs Pursuit of Contentment [00:01:07]
Judy discusses her upbringing and the fear of happiness, and how she shifted her mindset towards pursuing contentment.
Diagnosis and Medication [00:03:28]
Judy talks about her therapist encouraging her to see a psychiatrist, leading to her diagnosis of anxiety and prescription of medication.
Modalities for Personal Growth [00:07:49]
Judy shares her recent achievements and certifications in mental emotional release, neuro linguistic programming, and hypnotherapy, and how these modalities can improve key areas of life.
The pursuit of happiness vs. contentment [00:11:00]
Explains the difference between moving away from pain and moving towards goals, and the importance of celebrating progress.
Neuro linguistic programming breakthrough sessions [00:15:35]
Discusses the process and benefits of NLP breakthrough sessions, including clearing limiting beliefs and negative emotions.
The power of words and communication [00:17:49]
Highlights the importance of language in aligning core beliefs, attracting business, and forming connections in relationships.
The moment of celebration [00:23:49]
Judy guides the listener to recall a moment of celebration, visualizing and engaging all senses to make it vivid.
Visualizing happiness [00:25:53]
Judy encourages the listener to visualize and imagine a moment of happiness, engaging all senses to make it real for the unconscious mind.
Giving yourself permission [00:27:26]
Judy prompts the listener to give themselves permission to take up space, be who they want to be, and use words powerfully to achieve their desires.
Links Mentioned:
wildheartedwords.com/shop
www.empowermentinc.com
www.nlp.com
Use code “JUDYNLP” to save on your NLP trainings.
There are affiliate links included in this blog post.
Transcript:
Judy Tsuei (00:00:02) - Welcome to the F*ck Saving Face podcast, where we're empowering mental and emotional health for Asian Americans and voices of color by breaking through taboo topics. Life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful. Make your story beautiful today. In case you're new to this show, my name is Judy Tsuei and I'm the founder of Wild Hearted Words. We are a strategic branding and content marketing agency, and we focus on working with female entrepreneurs of color to create sustainable six figure success. If you'd like to experience what it's like to work with me, you can sign up for my latest masterclass that's available on my website at Wild Hearted Words. Com forward slash shop. It's called Overcoming Challenges and Traumas Through Mindset Shifts and Manifestation. And when you sign up for the audio course, that's about an hour, you'll also get a bonus PDF filled with incredible affirmations that you can practice every day to welcome in the life you'd like to have. For a limited time, the course is now only $19. Again, go to wild hearted words.
Judy Tsuei (00:01:07) - Com forward slash shop. Now on to the episode. Isn't it interesting how so many of us have a fear of happiness? If you are a daughter of immigrants like I am, then perhaps you were raised with the sense of scarcity. For us, it was a continual worry about money, of whether we would have enough, of whether we'd be able to pay off the debts that my parents were accruing with the different businesses that they were starting, the different businesses that were failing, all of these things that just created the sense of fear in addition to scarcity. So for me, I went to the other edge of the extreme and I constantly wanted to pursue happiness. I wanted to travel around the world. I wanted to run away from my problems. I wanted to seek extraordinary experiences because I thought at those high heights it would somehow take me out of everything that I had ever been through. But that's not how happiness works, because happiness is a state is not sustainable. 24 over seven. And the mistake most people make is that because of that understanding that happiness is not sustainable.
Judy Tsuei (00:02:19) - But contentment is. And yet so many of us are striving for that happiness. Then when we do have those moments of pure joy, we don't enjoy it when we're there. So shifting your mindset slightly, moving away from this pursuit of happiness to this pursuit of contentment, it means contentment is collecting moments of happiness. And something that I've been working with my therapist on is celebrating the moments, relishing when they happen and allowing myself to be fully present in that moment, knowing that it will shift and it will ebb and it will flow and it will float away, or the opposite may happen. There may be pain, there may be wounding, there may be trauma that unfolds because of the previous experiences I've had. One of the things that my therapist often is encouraging me to understand is that you are a survivor of trauma. So there's a lot of things that have happened in your life and that continue to happen in the ways that you show up, that you interpret in a certain way because of this fact.
Judy Tsuei (00:03:28) - And I really hate it when she calls me a survivor of trauma and she's like, Why? What is it about it that you don't want? And part of me feels like, Hey, I'm 45, like some of these things. Don't you think they should just be done by now? Shouldn't I have gotten over this by now? And all of these are misconceptions ultimately because. What I am is a very resilient person who is still working through things. So because she encouraged me to go talk to a psychiatrist, I was able to get on the same medication that I was on when I had severe postpartum depression because it was proven to work for me, but at a much less, much smaller dosage. And what that has enabled me to do because at first I was resistant. I was like, I can tough this out, I can muscle my way through. But I really was not functioning as a super healthy, calm person for myself or for my daughter. So this wasn't boding well for anybody.
Judy Tsuei (00:04:28) - And so what happened when I took this small dosage of this medication that's designed as an SSRI, as a way for me to calm anxiety and also to alleviate a bit of depression, which I had not even realized that I was experiencing until I talked to the psychiatrist who was diagnosing me and asking me all these questions. And at some point I was like, Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me these are signs of anxiety? And she's like, Yeah. And to me, I had just made them all normal. I had just made all of these feelings very normal because of the pace at which I was living my life. So now it's been probably about five months that I've been on this medication. And what it has allowed me to do is it's created a smoother foundation from which I can examine myself more deeply. And what I've noticed is that I hold so much tension and probably former trauma in my body to the point that I will notice that I am gripping the arm of a chair, that I am pushing the side of my knee against the car door.
Judy Tsuei (00:05:34) - When I'm driving that in some way, I almost feel like I need to feel a boundary. I find myself sitting in seats and twisting my legs up really, really tight. And all of these are things that I had not noticed and I did not have the bandwidth to notice because I was just, you know, flooded with so many other things. So. This aim for contentment is collecting moments of happiness. It's something that I have talked with my therapist about, about celebrating and relishing and allowing for these moments to exist. And that, you know, what happens when you collect these moments is that inevitably when things get tough, you have this backlog of memories that can help you transcend your everyday experiences and sustain hope. And it's that hope that gets you through the toughest of times. So you collect one moment and she explained it to me as collecting one pearl and that becomes a ring. And then you collect another moment and that's two pearls. And now you can make earrings collecting three pearls and four pearls and five pearls.
Judy Tsuei (00:06:43) - And then you can make a bracelet collecting more than that, and you can make a necklace. And then from there you can decorate a whole dress. And just ultimately, these experiences provide enough memories for you to realize that everything is changing, Everything is shifting. If you are a parent, then you may have heard that adage, This too shall pass. And being able to have the resilience and the tenacity to continue to, you know, keep your heart open, but be mindful, have those healthy boundaries. And what I'm very grateful for in my neuro linguistic programming coaching program, where I'm now a master practitioner, is that I have these tools now where I can set healthy boundaries. I have the dialogue to work through that I have the tools to uncover what's in my unconscious mind that's blocking me. I have the power to do this with different clients now. And so collecting a moment of happiness for me was receiving three certificates in the mail recently from the Association for Integrative Psychology. One of them is a master practitioner of mental emotional release.
Judy Tsuei (00:07:49) - The other one is a master practitioner of neuro linguistic programming, and then the other one is a master practitioner of hypnotherapy, because these are all the different modalities that I've learned in the trainings that I've been doing over the last few months. And now I'm in this year long program to really deepen my skill set, because having been someone who's been in multiple therapeutic modalities, having been someone who's pursued all the most intense, incredible alternative therapies, that this that I've learned in NLP has been the most direct, most swift, most impactful techniques that I have learned to create the results that you want to see in key areas of life. So these key areas are your personal growth and development. They're your relationship, and these are the relationship that you have with an intimate partner, your family. These are people who you are related to who are your, you know, collective, essentially. And then the family. For me, I also include, you know, the people who feel like family, who may not be blood related.
Judy Tsuei (00:09:01) - But the traditional definition that I have learned is through blood relationships. Then from there you have career. And this is where most people want to work on things. You have physical health, and I'm going to go back to career because that's usually tied to money. Then you have physical health and then you have spiritual growth. And so in each of these key areas, you use these modalities to achieve the results that you want to see. And sometimes it's uncovering your core values because unless you have the core values that are aligned to your goal as the top five in your unconscious mind, there will always be blocks for you to be able to get to where you want to go. And one of the modalities that I was the demo for was for a parts integration. This is ideal for anyone who ever says a part of me feels like this, a part of me feels like that. And so what we've done and what we're doing is learning how to listen for the context and the content as opposed to the actual stories that we're telling.
Judy Tsuei (00:09:59) - Because a lot of times so many of us get attached to the stories. They become part of our identities, but it doesn't actually serve us. And it's almost superfluous as to the core underlying belief and the strategies that we're using to perpetuate these stories in order to keep ourselves safe or whatever it is that those purposes are for. So NLP getting these three certificates in the mail was probably one of the most remarkable experiences that I've experienced as an adult, because when I got my undergrad degree, I was running away. I was running so far away from the life that I did not want any more. I didn't want to be the eldest of four kids raising my three younger siblings. I didn't want to be the person mediating between my two parents, arguing all of the time. I didn't want to be subject to potential, you know, anger and rage. I didn't want to be the person who had to be so responsible all the time. I wanted to be a kid. And that childhood that I never got and that independence that I was forced into, I wanted independence for me.
Judy Tsuei (00:11:00) - So going to Berkeley, getting that degree, getting the thing that I paid my own way for because I've been working since I was 15. So I paid my own SAT prep classes, I paid my own college tuitions, the applications I paid my own way through college, all of these things. Sure, there are accomplishments, but again, I felt like I was running away. And one of the things that you learn in neuro linguistic programming as well in NLP is that there are two key motivators. You're either moving away from something that you don't want or towards something that you do. And here's the key If your original intention to achieve a goal is in a way, motivation, then as you get closer to your goal, you're moving farther and farther away from your initial away motivation. And when you do that, it's almost as though you forgot why you were trying to achieve the goal. And this is where yo yo dieting can occur. This is where getting on the wagon, getting off the wagon, because whatever is motivating you is that pain that away.
Judy Tsuei (00:11:56) - Then there is toward motivation. And the toward motivation is, you know, I want this life that I love so much. I want to feel so accomplished. I want to feel like I'm giving back to the community all of these engaged, clear intentions, moving towards something that you want. And what I said earlier about collecting those pearls, those moments of happiness, one of the things that we learn in NLP is to celebrate a 90% of achieving your goal. That is collecting a moment of happiness. Because what happens then is that you take the next 10% and use it at the starting 10% of your next goal. So you're continually up leveling, but you're also celebrating the process and the journey, and you're reminding yourself that you can do this, that you have done this, that you are doing this, and that you will continue to do more and be more and achieve more of what you want. So if you have a goal in your life right now and maybe you are not getting the results that you want or you've gotten close and then just kind of pulled away, gotten close and pulled away, are you being motivated by an away motivation? If there is something that you want in your life, you know, it's a clear toward motivation.
Judy Tsuei (00:13:10) - You are aiming for that destination. You want to get there because you are very clear that this is who you are built to be and this is what you want. And yet you find obstacles in the way you're not sure why you're not progressing, the ways that you think that you may want to or have the capacity for, then potentially there are things that are misaligned in your values. There could potentially be subconscious unconscious blocks and being able to figure out how to clear out those blocks without it having to be a big slog, instead having a conversation with your unconscious mind. All of these techniques and what I do in my channel clarity sessions are all about that. All about empowering you to get to that place where you feel fully enlivened, so bold, so driven, so clear, so ready to create the life that you want to have. I'm so excited to move into this next phase of my career and my life. So many things have profoundly changed. That part's integration. I was focused on career when I was doing it, but because everything is interconnected, what actually ended up happening is this profound shift in the way that I feel towards my parents.
Judy Tsuei (00:14:33) - And one of the people who I met at the NLP training, he had said that one of the reasons that he was so convinced about this work was because his mother was perpetually arguing with his grandmother that it was that mother daughter dynamic that was filled with conflict. And he said that his mom went to an NLP practitioner weekend, came back, and she fully approached her mother in a completely different way, that it boggled his mind. Like in his entire life, he had never seen anything like that before, and he didn't even believe that it was possible. But because of that and because of that effect that he noticed with his mom, he immediately had to go experience this NLP training for himself. And then now he works for the company. There are so many incredible things that are happening in my life right now. I've been able to magnetize and attract clients by taking a completely different approach to work, where instead of beating myself up feeling like there were milestones that I were setting like 50 milestones, you know, that I needed to achieve in a ridiculous amount of time.
Judy Tsuei (00:15:35) - Now I have created breathability around my work, and with that, the most magnificent opportunities have arisen and clients are coming to me. And what I'm so excited about is that is part of this work. We are asked to do 50 breakthrough sessions and these are intense. You know, all day sessions where they're eight hours, you can break them apart. But ultimately you focus on one of those key areas of life that I'd mentioned earlier. You do a deep personal history and really clear out everything you find the greater problem, the underlying problem with which when you address that, it creates a ripple effect in so many different aspects of your life. And then from there you work through the values. You understand what is potentially a block. You remove limiting beliefs, you remove negative emotions. From there, you can do a parts integration like I experienced. And after all of that, you walk away with a clear new foundation, a clear new perspective. Since we in every second are getting bombarded with over 2 million bits of information, our conscious minds can't process that.
Judy Tsuei (00:16:43) - It can only pull about 126 bits, but whatever 126 bits you're focusing on, it doesn't mean that all of the rest of that information is not real or non existent. It just means that what you're focusing on becomes your reality. So what if you drop those 126 bits and picked up something else? And that's what these breakthrough sessions can help facilitate, is a new awareness of your reality. From there you come up with action steps and you really figure out how to move forward in your life differently to achieve change. And this has change that's coming from the unconscious level. So your conscious mind is the goal setter. Your unconscious mind is the goal getter. And when you're able to get your unconscious mind aligned and clear, the results are remarkable. And I've experienced it in my own life. And so I'm excited to bring this forward. And so I'll be putting out a call for anyone who wants to do these breakthrough sessions. They are incredibly intimate, really transformative, powerful experiences. And because we're asked to do 50 of them, the first 50 people who sign up, there's going to be a special offer.
Judy Tsuei (00:17:49) - So if you want to get in on that, then please do connect with me. You can go to my website, send me a contact form, or there is going to be a link where you can book a conversation with me just to see if we would be a good fit to work with one another. And you know, this work isn't for everyone. And I'm starting to realize that more and more that no matter how many people you want to help and be of service to, people have to be ready. This work is not I'm doing anything to you. This is work that I'm doing with you and I will always honor your version of reality. But if this speaks to you, it's because you're desiring a different reality and working with a coach who can understand how to use language. As someone who spent my entire life with words, with stories, with the intuitive side of connection, this is my zone of genius. And this is why we need to understand the power of words to align for our own core beliefs, to understand how we talk about ourselves in the world, to attract more business, more revenue, to understand how we're communicating in the relationships in our lives and forming those connections.
Judy Tsuei (00:19:12) - So all of that is to say that today's practice is about collecting those moments of happiness. And if you are like me, then you are probably either a Type A personality or a recovering type A personality. You may have been a perfectionist in the past and now you are ready to allow yourself to give yourself the permission to celebrate. And the reason that this is important is because I am currently in the mix of the Tory Burch Foundation Fellowship program. So you've likely heard before that they select 50 women entrepreneurs around the country. I was one of the ones who was selected. And so we've been having these weekly calls, these mastermind sessions, with really notable, incredibly educated, you know, successful, powerful people who are really they're like keenly involved in our business and really caring about our results. And so today we met with someone and I had some questions for her because she had gone through the UX of all of our websites. She gave us feedback of ways that we can improve the user experience. And one of the things that she said is why is it that we as women entrepreneurs make exclusionary statements, basically write ourselves off in so many ways instead of or having to preface a conversation, How many times have you written an email getting ready to use words like I'm sorry, or I don't mean to be a bother or whatever it is, and then have someone else, usually a male counterpart or someone who's of a different ethnicity, a different culture, a different upbringing, who says, Take that out.
Judy Tsuei (00:20:52) - You don't need to apologize yourself. You don't need to. Explain yourself. You don't need to make any excuses. You can just stand up and take space. And yet so many of us are still working on taking up space. So whether this is in your business or in your life, I want to encourage you to celebrate, to relish, to savor, to give yourself that opportunity to take up space so wherever you are. Finding a quiet moment. To either be still or to be very, very mindful in your movement. For this practice, I encourage you to be still so you can engage all of your senses, to revel, to relish, to savor, to cherish. Okay. From wherever you are. Make some space so that you can find some stillness. And while I usually say that you can listen to these mindfulness practices while you're moving about as long as you're bringing all of your awareness to the present moment for this one, because we're focusing on relishing and savoring and celebrating. I'd love for you to be still in order for you to really engage with all of your senses.
Judy Tsuei (00:22:09) - One of the other things that we learn in NLP is your unconscious mind. Can't tell whether you're visualizing something that you want to manifest or whether you're recalling a memory. And it's not actually real right now. It's in this space of pretend. And this is a space that brainwave state that young children are in. That's why that sense of dreaminess that my daughter has had for so long and it's a wonderful opportunity for you to continue to engage with your unconscious mind, for you to pretend and for you to give yourself permission to play. For you to be in spaciousness and peace and possibility and hope. So as you begin to settle into this moment. Becoming more and more comfortable. By focusing more and more on your exhalations. Letting the in-breath come through naturally with ease and letting the outbreath extend a bit longer than the one before. So as you continue to breathe in and breathe out, your exhalations will draw longer and longer. Engaging your parasympathetic nervous system, allowing yourself to move into that space of rest and digest.
Judy Tsuei (00:23:49) - So from here. Recalling a moment of celebration. What did that feel like for you? What was this moment that you achieved? A goal where you felt worthy of celebrating and giving yourself acknowledgment and credit? How did you see the moment? How did you hear it? Was there a smell? Were there sounds? Was there anything that you were touching? Anything that you are tasting. And really making that moment so vivid, so bright. The sense of celebration. Of wonder. Of joy. A feeling triumphant and accomplished. A feeling like you had put in the work and you are seeing the results. Receiving accolades. Feeling yourself, being celebrated by yourself and others, however it looks for you. Drawing that image at the forefront of your awareness. Using all of your senses, making it as bright and as vivid as possible. You can notice if it's in color. If it's wide and panoramic or if it's a small focused image and a frame. So this was one moment and you can let it fade away.
Judy Tsuei (00:25:53) - Recalling another moment. And if this second moment is harder for you to remember, if there's something that's really prominent for that first moment, or even if that first moment was hard to recall, allow yourself to visualize and imagine what it would feel to celebrate a goal that you have in your life now. Remembering that you can pretend and it will be just as vivid, just as real for your unconscious mind. So starting to engage your senses. What is another moment of happiness? A fulfillment of accomplishment. And these are moments that do not need to be big. They can be small. They can be the smile from a stranger when you really needed it. A serendipitous encounter. When you least expected it. A reminder from a friend. An email or a text message that pops up. To help you realize the difference that you make in someone else's life. Allowing yourself to visualize with all of your senses, recalling this with ease, collecting this moment, real or imagined. And allowing yourself to feel the joy.
Judy Tsuei (00:27:26) - To hear it, to see it, to smell it, to taste it, to touch it. What are all of the senses? What are they informing you of? What are they revealing to you? What do you notice? What do you observe? And when you feel that you have that anchored in allowing that moment to fade away. And finally calling one more moment forward. Giving yourself permission to take up space. Give yourself. Full permission. To be who you want to be. To say what you want to say, to think what you want to think, to do what you want to do. Knowing that you can write a new story. You can use words powerfully and effectively to achieve what it is that you need. What it is that you want and you can indeed do this. You are deserving, you are worthy, and you can use all of your senses to create and conjure what it is that will make your heart delight. Savour this. Relish this. Believe in yourself and in your power.
Judy Tsuei (00:29:08) - And when you already turning the corners of your mouth up into a smile. You can bring your hands to your heart center. Anchoring in these moments of happiness. When you're ready, Floating your eyes open. Coming back into the space. Back into the room. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. If you enjoy this episode, please do share it with someone in your life who you think may also enjoy it. And if you ever have any thoughts that you want to share, I would be so honored to hear them. You can reach out to me, Judy, at wild hearted words. Com. I would love to know how this podcast has made a difference in your life, how it may have expanded your awareness, what it is that you need as a daughter of immigrants or a child of immigrants, what it is that you want to see more of and how I can be of greater service. Until the next episode, I'm wishing you all the best. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode.
Judy Tsuei (00:30:17) - If you'd like to support me and this show, please go to iTunes and leave your review. It means so much to me and it'll help others find this podcast. I'll catch you in the next episode and if you'd like to stay in touch between now and then, please visit wild hearted words and sign up for my weekly newsletter. I've had people share with me that it's the best thing to arrive in their inbox all week. Aloha.
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